What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Banking tips
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I put the hot in psychotic.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes