[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!