guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I think we should hear other voices.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.