Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.