There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
You Might Also Like
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one