The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
#dnd #ttrpg
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.