If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Don’t tell me what to do
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️