A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
#Caturday
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
catch me on valentine’s day like
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do