You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
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No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
they finally got him. they got macavity
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.