[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
fr
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.