If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts