pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.