I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If a snake ate a cake
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.