“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.