Note to self: I am a note
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Your honor these allegations are
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m already scared
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone