The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.