Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
i can’t wait that long
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
School be like
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey