I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Important reminders
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
This could be us, but you weedin’.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain