When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.