I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery