“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
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Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?