I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.