Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I already tried new things thanks.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.