If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.