The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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all that yoga finally paid off
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.