So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Pringles
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.