@KKBowls: [at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don't normally do this...but I think I'll pass
@KKBowls: Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
@KKBowls: I just saw a spider on the wall, I went to hit it -- it just fell and ran away. I was all, 'Oh my God, he knows what I look like.'
@KKBowls: Me: damn, doc I'm losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
@KKBowls: Don't hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That'll cut down teen pregnancy
@KKBowls: My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I'm already up to 3 times a day"