Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that