Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”