I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Can. I. Help. You.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
somebody come look at this
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on