Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.