Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Kalarlis's best tweets

@Kalarlis : my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate's dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN'T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@Kalarlis: what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they'd have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@Kalarlis: When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact

@Kalarlis: hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@Kalarlis: holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn't know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

@Kalarlis: hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

@Kalarlis: 007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

@Kalarlis: should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@Kalarlis: sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i'm not a real cop but no one told me i'm pretty today