Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.