Funny Tweeter

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Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : [parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I— O: go on M: I th— O: tell us M: I'm— O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied

@KalvinMacleod: ME: *eating shepherd's pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that's my pie

@KalvinMacleod: [highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I'm a top chef. You?
ME: I'm an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what's an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@KalvinMacleod: [Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@KalvinMacleod: HER: I'm ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@KalvinMacleod: My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

@KalvinMacleod: BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma'am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency?

"How do u unburn pizza?"

U burnt a pizza

"Yes"

I'll send a squad car

"Ok will they help?"

No ur under arrest

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today's special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh