Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : [dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

@KalvinMacleod: ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I'm only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet

@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I'm—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@KalvinMacleod: ME: *eating shepherd's pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that's my pie

@KalvinMacleod: [highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I'm a top chef. You?
ME: I'm an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what's an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@KalvinMacleod: [Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@KalvinMacleod: HER: I'm ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@KalvinMacleod: My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you didn't use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

@KalvinMacleod: BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma'am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*