Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : ME: ok doc what's wrong DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live ME: *leans in closer* no what's wrong DOCTOR: it's just u only visit me when ur sick

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I'll take two mackerel and a goldfish

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

@KalvinMacleod: [driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let's use mine
I: *crumples test*

@KalvinMacleod: [buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that'll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I'll throw in a free horse

@KalvinMacleod: [funeral]
WIFE: remember, don't be stupid
ME: *to widow* I'm sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

@KalvinMacleod: [1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*

@KalvinMacleod: ME: did u know that there's no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter's dance recital. Please leave us alone

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages