Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : [dinner] HER: don’t embarrass me tonight ME: how would I do that? WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

@KalvinMacleod: ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

@KalvinMacleod: [high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@KalvinMacleod: NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that's hard to believe

@KalvinMacleod: CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*

@KalvinMacleod: ME: ok doc what's wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what's wrong
DOCTOR: it's just u only visit me when ur sick

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I'll take two mackerel and a goldfish