@KalvinMacleod: [sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I don't know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: take me to ur leader
[later at zoo]
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
@KalvinMacleod: [pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
@KalvinMacleod: [new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You've been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
@KalvinMacleod: [dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I'm only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet
@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied