Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : [high school] ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@KalvinMacleod: NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that's hard to believe

@KalvinMacleod: CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*

@KalvinMacleod: ME: ok doc what's wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what's wrong
DOCTOR: it's just u only visit me when ur sick

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I'll take two mackerel and a goldfish

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

@KalvinMacleod: [driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let's use mine
I: *crumples test*

@KalvinMacleod: [buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that'll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I'll throw in a free horse