@KalvinMacleod: FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
@KalvinMacleod: LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what's it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what's it called?
@KalvinMacleod: ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today's your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
@KalvinMacleod: HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
M: he likes music
M: we’re in a band
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
@KalvinMacleod: HER: because you're so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
@KalvinMacleod: BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
@KalvinMacleod: A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*