@KalvinMacleod: NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that's hard to believe
@KalvinMacleod: CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
TEACHER: and ur last?
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*
@KalvinMacleod: ME: ok doc what's wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what's wrong
DOCTOR: it's just u only visit me when ur sick
TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I'll take two mackerel and a goldfish
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
@KalvinMacleod: [driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let's use mine
I: *crumples test*
@KalvinMacleod: [buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that'll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I'll throw in a free horse