Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : HER: tell me about yourself ME: I have a cat H: cute M: he likes music H: cool M: we’re in a band H: weird M: called Mewtallica H: ok bye

@KalvinMacleod: HER: because you're so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

@KalvinMacleod: BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

@KalvinMacleod: A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don't u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

@KalvinMacleod: MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

@KalvinMacleod: BOSS: you're fired
ME: is it because I won't take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won't take no for an answer?

@KalvinMacleod: [date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@KalvinMacleod: ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast