STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Wait a minute…
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.