Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
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Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!