you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite