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Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.