Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
my one true gender
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*