My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree