SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
A sick whale is called an unwhale
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.