Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???