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“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh