what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
They’re really bad with fonts.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.