Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KattsDogma's best tweets

@KattsDogma : I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

@KattsDogma: It's called support maybe you've heard of I.T.

@KattsDogma: Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma's final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was "Curtains."

@KattsDogma: Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@KattsDogma: I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That's not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

@KattsDogma: [New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

@KattsDogma: All sex is "make up sex" if you don't know what you're doing.

@KattsDogma: "I'm sorry I named my daughter 'Paige.' It seemed funny at the time."
- a confession of Nat Turner

@KattsDogma: I started a book club. A coloring book club. There's a line to get in. We're never on the same page. Nothing's black & white. We're well red

@KattsDogma: If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I'd call it Pubic's Cube or The Razor's Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or