I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.