Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Spotted in New Orleans.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”