My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.