You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years