@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you"
cellmate: "i kill people for money"
me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"
@KeetPotato: [babies txting]
"my dad's thumb just came off"
lol wtf 😂
"wait its back on again nvm"
"he just stole my nose"
im phoning the police
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?"
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"
@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000?
[imagines spending the entire show standing up]
@KeetPotato: lawyer: "my client claims the altercation began because - and i quote - "he came at me sideways"
crab: "in my defence.."
@KeetPotato: you can basically just make up facts as long as they're about animals.. cows can't look left. you don't know
@KeetPotato: [jungle book]
bagheera: "you can't fight him like a wolf, you're NOT a wolf, fight him like a man"
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
@KeetPotato: [biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
@KeetPotato: [on phone to gf]
her: "you never understand me anymore so.."
me: "so what?"
her: "we're breaking up"
me: "i can hear you fine"