Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?" me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"

@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000?
[imagines spending the entire show standing up]
"no thanks"

@KeetPotato: lawyer: "my client claims the altercation began because - and i quote - "he came at me sideways"
crab: "in my defence.."

@KeetPotato: you can basically just make up facts as long as they're about animals.. cows can't look left. you don't know

@KeetPotato: [jungle book]
bagheera: "you can't fight him like a wolf, you're NOT a wolf, fight him like a man"
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

@KeetPotato: [biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

@KeetPotato: [on phone to gf]
her: "you never understand me anymore so.."
me: "so what?"
her: "we're breaking up"
me: "i can hear you fine"

@KeetPotato: wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him"
doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs"
me: "where will i keep my car keys"

@KeetPotato: pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary

@KeetPotato: "dont get conned into spendin our lottery money"
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
"NO"
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls