Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : poet: knick knack.. paddy whack.. me: this guy is awful my dog: i know right poet: ..give the dog a bone my dog: actually lets hear him out

@KeetPotato: [schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you're allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
me: ok
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime

@KeetPotato: cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt

@KeetPotato: [optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change

@KeetPotato: wife: "no"
me: "its a good name"
wife: "keith we're not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking"
me:
wife:
me: "woofie goldberg"

@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police"
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"

@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you"
me: "ok"
[later]
cellmate: "i kill people for money"
me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"

@KeetPotato: [babies txting]
"my dad's thumb just came off"
lol wtf 😂
"wait its back on again nvm"
ok lmao
"he just stole my nose"
im phoning the police

@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?"
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"