@KeetPotato: [on drive home]
i cant believe you said "don't bother" when my dad said he'd be there in spirit
"i don't want ghosts at our wedding linda"
@KeetPotato: bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can't do both
@KeetPotato: [emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?
@KeetPotato: reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
@KeetPotato: me: "im confused, run that by me again"
doctor: "you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that's just what we call the machine"
date: "i think you watch too much Homeland"
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] "keep your voice down"
@KeetPotato: stewardess: "sir you aren't allowed to smoke that during the flight"
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] "this is such bullshit"
@KeetPotato: chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don't take over the world?