Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF's dog and laughs] GF: "you'll regret that one day" me: "why?" GF: "my dog holds grudges" me: "don't be stupid" [one year later] priest: "does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?" from the back: "WOOF"

@KeetPotato: drug lord: "ill email you when we make the drop, what's your address?"
me: "[email protected]"
loud from my earpiece: "abort keith, abort"

@KeetPotato: me: "i taught the dog to bark when someone lies"
wife: "i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?"
me: [slowly covers the dog's ears]

@KeetPotato: date: "i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?"
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: "yes i am"

@KeetPotato: [valentine's day]
gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight"
her friend: "oh wow"
[later watching shrek 2]
me: "you look disappointed"

@KeetPotato: [my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] "so what do you do?"
pilot: "i fly the plane keith"

@KeetPotato: [1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

@KeetPotato: prisoner: "i broke a guy's face in 18 places, what you in for?"
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: "9/11"

@KeetPotato: [wife putting groceries away]
"where's the bread?"
i got mugged
"specifically for bread?"
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]

@KeetPotato: me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"