@KeetPotato: reporter: "what inspired your theory of gravity"
isaac newton: "i fell off the toil-"
agent: [leans into mic] "an apple hit him on the head"
@KeetPotato: burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"
burglar: [strokes dog's head]
my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man"
@KeetPotato: interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
@KeetPotato: [exchanging xmas gifts]
me: "if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?"
schrödinger: "i feel like i brought this on myself"
@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"
@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?"
me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"
@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words"
chimp: "nice haircut"
reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?"
me: "sarcasm apparently"
@KeetPotato: wife: "no one will remember dont worry"
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: "yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?"