@KeetPotato: [schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you're allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime
@KeetPotato: cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt
@KeetPotato: wife: "no"
me: "its a good name"
wife: "keith we're not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking"
me: "woofie goldberg"
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police"
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"
@KeetPotato: dad: "start a rumour so people are scared of you"
cellmate: "i kill people for money"
me: "i brush my teeth with hot water"
@KeetPotato: [babies txting]
"my dad's thumb just came off"
lol wtf 😂
"wait its back on again nvm"
"he just stole my nose"
im phoning the police
@KeetPotato: judge: "you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?"
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] "that's correct"