Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : waiter: "have we decided yet sir?" me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please"

@KeetPotato: reporter: "what inspired your theory of gravity"
isaac newton: "i fell off the toil-"
agent: [leans into mic] "an apple hit him on the head"

@KeetPotato: burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: "BARK BARK BARK BARK"
burglar: [strokes dog's head]
my dog: "i have misjudged this very nice man"

@KeetPotato: interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@KeetPotato: [exchanging xmas gifts]
me: "if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?"
schrödinger: "i feel like i brought this on myself"

@KeetPotato: [uses my last wish to be reincarnated as a bird]
me: [as my dad vomits directly in my mouth] "i did not think this through"

@KeetPotato: wife: "this is really your idea of an anniversary present?"
me: [on the other walkie talkie] "you didn't say over, over"

@KeetPotato: me: "i taught this chimp to say words"
chimp: "nice haircut"
reporter: "oh my god.. does he know anything else?"
me: "sarcasm apparently"

@KeetPotato: wife: "no one will remember dont worry"
me: "ok"
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: "yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?"