Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : me: "we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory" jesus: "they better not be of me dying on a cross" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?"

@KeetPotato: zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@KeetPotato: [mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"

@KeetPotato: karate teacher: "break this wood"
me: "why?"
karate teacher: "i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you"
me: [gives wood my wallet]

@KeetPotato: my lawyer: "if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me"
me: "ok"
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: "your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess"

@KeetPotato: when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you're a werewolf

@KeetPotato: me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] "so what do you do for a living?"
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

@KeetPotato: new mum: “you can play with the baby but keep it light hearted nothing too scary something that won't leave mental scars”
every grandad on earth: “im gonna pretend i took his nose off"

@KeetPotato: inventor: "i've made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something"
me: "ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?"
doll: "i like you as a friend"
me:
inventor:
me: "do you have anything less realistic"

@KeetPotato: me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster"
my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!"
all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"